Given our new-fangled world, I spit into my tube.

It took me a month to do it as I didn’t particularly feel like spitting constantly for ten minutes.

Another month waiting.

No starchild sadly. Clearly planet earth, hooman.

Oooh, white guy from northern Europe. Shocked!

I am suggested to be 34.8% British and Irish (six to one) with ancestry from five other populations. French & German (not French and German as separate pops) at 32.7, Scandinavian at 8%, Iberian at 1.5%, Finnish at 0.6%, and native American at 0.2% with other none-specific regional tags.

In the spiteness of the times, looks like Mom’s meanderings about her mother’s mother… being a Choctaw princess I had thought was perhaps a number of generations before there were Choctaw, but was she right? “You most likely had a fourth-great-grandparent, fifth-great-grandparent, sixth-great-grandparent, or seventh-great- (or greater) grandparent who was 100% Native American. This person was likely born between 1680 and 1770.”

Let’s see, any lost kids of mine, unknown siblings and such showing up? Uh, no but 972 third to fourth cousins?? Ack! And now they’re writing me! And they are 67% more likely to have red body or facial hair! Hmm, my top relative only has 1.38% shared DNA. Piff.

Let’s check something more important like how much of a Neanderthal I am, namely at 91% more Neanderthal variants than the rest of 23’s customer base and 4% of me. So what’s that done to me. Ha! Straight hair! And less likely to sneeze after eating dark chocolate! Now that’s an evolutionary advantage. Wonder how they got the chocolate. I don’t see the variant for sharp elbows and greater ape index though. Or cerebellum sweep frequency.

Haplogroups! Moms and Dads! Looks like Moms were stuck in Africa. Dads, on the other hand, really got around. Indeed I share a paternal-line ancestor with Niall of the Nine Hostages, King of Tara in northwestern Ireland in the late 4th century C.E.

Now for the scary part, the health report. After all, Dad died at an early age of breast cancer…

Age-related macular degeneration? Detected, not likely increased risk. Phew.

Celiac disease! Two copies! Doomed to wander the gluten-free aisle! Bought gluten-free flour tortillas by accident. Oh, the horror!

No BRCA variants. No Alz or Parkinson variants. Good so far.

47 different possible carriers??? From ARSACS, Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum with Peripheral Neuropathy, Familial Dysautonomia, Maple Syrup Urine Disease Type 1B, Zellweger Syndrome Spectrum (PEX1-Related)… I am the very model of a modern major mutant if I had all that stuff. But no.

Well, wellness, how do the chromos at the bottom of the tea cup look there?

Alcohol flush reaction? Unlikely

Caffeine consumption? Likely to consume less. I suppose there are some people who consume more.

Deep sleep? Less likely. Or little sleep at all.

Genetic weight? Predisposed to weigh less than average. As my boss in the Parts Dept at Harry Dole Dodge said, “he’s so skinny he can stand under a clothes line in a thunderstorm and not get wet.”

Lactose tolerant? Tolerant. Chocolate milkshakes! No sneezing and no indigestion!

Muscle composition? Common in elite power athletes. WTF? Does that mean I have to move?

Saturated fat and weight? Likely similar weight. Swell.

Sleep movement? Average or less. No snoring genes?

Now that was sort of fun. How about traits?

Ability to match musical pitch? Less likely. And I played a trombone. With braces. My poor classmates in the band.

Asparagus odor detection? Got it.

Back hair? Likely little. Little? I can’t even grow sideburns.

Bald spot? Nope.

Bitter taste? Likely can’t taste. Yea, IPA!

Cheek dimples? No.

Cilantro taste aversion? Slightly higher odds of disliking cilantro. I like cilantro. It’s fennel I cannot stand.

Cleft chin? Nope.

Earlobe? Detached.

Early hair loss? No.

Earwax type? Wet. Um, ok.

Eye color? Blue or green. What about the yellow ring?

Fear of heights? More likely than average to be afraid of heights. Umm. Some other gene must have humped that gene or it got itself methylated. Or my fear of heights caused me to jump off balconies, run across railroad bridges, and climb transmission, radio, and water towers. Didn’t like climbing pine trees so much, but there was this elm…

Finger length ratio? Ring finger longer. Meh.

Freckles? Little.

Hair photobleaching? More likely. Never did get that surfer dude look down.

Hair texture? Straight or wavy. Match.

Hair thickness? Not so thick.

Light or dark hair? Likely light.

Misophonia? More likely to hate chewing sounds. And I want you to know that includes sippy sounds, too, so watch it!

Mosquito bite frequency? Less likely to be bitten than others. Did you notice I asked people to go into the swamp with me?

Newborn hair? Little. Pops out more easily?

Photic sneeze reflex? Likely none. Given the Neanderthal dark chocolate negative sneeze response I’m on my way for a great evolutionary advantage.

Red hair? Like no.

Skin pigmentation? Likely light. Blinding light.

Sweet vs Salty? Prefer salty. A major bachelor food group.

Toe length ratio? Big toe longer. Why that helps me to … do what? Anyways, that one is wrong. For both feet.

Unibrow? Nope.

Wake-up time? 6:42am. WTF? That’s precise, and off. I woke up at 6:35am.

Widow’s peak? No John Travolta here.